— William Gibson (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
Friday used to be my favorite day of the week. But I think that’s changed. I’ve come to the realization that every Friday in my recent life seems to leave me feeling rejected and abandoned when everyone in my immediate circle has something better to do or nothing to do and would like the keep it that way or just doesn’t want to do what I want to do. I mean it’s Friday! The first day of the weekend. Why am I the only one ready to party and have a good time?
So I’m done caring about Friday. It means nothing to me now. If I have no expectations for Fridays then I can’t be disappointed.
As a person struggling with mental illness some days just seem harder than others. I think the most frustrating part is the vast number of factors that can affect my mood. Medication, menstral cycles, diet, exercise (or the lack of), day to day life and experiences all play some kind of role on the way I feel and how I deal with my life. And just that fact alone, that there is a lot at play at any given time, is overwhelming to the point of suicidal ideation.
It’s not so much that I want to die, it’s more that I want to live less. I just want less. Of everything. Less influence of the exterior world on my interior thoughts.
Of course I know that’s unrealistic to ask for. It’s just the only thing that seems to alleviate the pressure I feel from myself to do something great in my lifetime. Because that’s where I feel it the most: from within. Sure my job may get to me, my family may irritate me, I may get ticked at significant others, but the worst pressure I feel is from myself.
There are times when I start living, like really living, enjoying every moment, doing things that really make me feel good about life. But then I catch myself suddenly feeling overwhelmed, sinking under the weight of my heavy hopes and dreams. And then I’m on that spiral again of feeling frustrated that there’s so much involved in living this life, including finding a healthy balance to everything.
So what do I do? How do I live life fully and love deeply without losing my mind and self destructing???
I find myself resisting the urge to write because I’m preoccupied with its meaning. I want my words to matter to someone. I want to feel valued by people who choose to like me (even though I know there are people who like me no matter what, like family).
Any way here’s a poem I wrote over the last couple days in response to my grandmother and my aunt’s fineral. (I don’t have a title for it yet. Suggestions welcome.)
life will leave an illusion on all things. The rest and rise The agitation The fluttering The stammering The endless humming All leaves a residue, a sweet taste, An ambient notion On the pulseless, the rigid mournful dead.
We believe in what isn’t In the things that shouldn’t Be helpless, be listless, Be morbidly apathetic Until they are fairies They are angels- For they can never be Without a breath of history.
I’m gonna try some honest posting this week. Just me and my thoughts. I’m not gonna try to get likes or reblogs (though it would be nice). I just want to say things that matter to me. Maybe a poem or two but mainly just me and my feelings.
I feel like the reason I fell off the face of the earth on Facebook is because I received no feedback. Only to hear years later that people saw and liked what I had to say, just never let me know. I want to know that I’m heard and cared about. I think that’s natural but the fact that it has kept me from expressing myself is a real shame.
So that’s what this week is about. I dont care if it’s received with great response. I would just hope that it is received by the people who do matter and who do care.